Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Attempt to fufill Resolution #2 disrupted through small children and old woman

So the first resolution went really well. Not only is the entire study now reorganised, but I ALSO managed (with a little help form Dr H) to get my self-designed desk finally sanded, stained, oiled and waxed. This bit o´ wood don´t know what hit it baby.

But last nights attempt to start on the path of goodness that was resolution #2 (ie. increasing general level of fitness to that slightly above a seventy-five year old oak tree) was kicked in the proverbials due to the extreme age ends of the german population in a swimming pool.
Ok, so this isn´t a new bitch. Most people who´ve known me for, say, longer than 30 minutes will have heard this already. But for those out there reading this who hasn´t had the pleasure of meeting the boiling lava that is me after an attempt at swimming in this country, I´ll explain.

German swimming pools don´t have lanes. Or rather, they don´t have fenced off parts of the pool so people can swim laps at a particular tempo without being disturbed (and last night I was even in a SPORT club and theys didn´t do it - huh?). No. Every german will get in the pool, choose a black line on the bottom (and remember, there are usually only 7 or 8) and charge hell bent on getting down the pool ON THIS LINE, no matter who is in the way. Then, get this, they will TURN AROUND and come back up the pool STILL ON THE DAMN LINE. What?! What particular brand of intellect works out that thats a smart thing to do? What happens to the people swimming behind them? Do they think of that? NO! They still charge straight at them until the whole attempt at swimming relaxing, fitness-improving laps turns into a continual game of chicken with the old lady bearing down on you with a breaststroke pace of about 50metres per 15 minutes.
And thats the other thing. No-one seems to be able to swim freestyle here. Its all breaststroke. And just in case there is a young german reading this right now think about this: it doesn´t matter how buffed your bod is, how young and sexy you might be, you get in a pool and start kicking those little frog kicks and pushing out your arms as if you´re afraid to get your hair wet, YOU LOOK LIKE AN OLD WOMAN. Be a man and learn how to hold you breath underwater without it going up your nose. It´s not just Thorpy who can do it.
But back to the main gripe. Last night, not only was the pool covered in people swimming breaststroke, not only was one side of the pool given over to aqua aerobics pumping out some godawful crap music which reverberated through the water at a frequency about set to pop my eardrums, BUT they had also sectioned off the whole shallow end of the pool for the kiddies to paddle in. So my 25 metre laps were about 20 metre laps and I had to try and stop in full swim in the middle of the pool and turn around. Try doing that every 12 strokes and trust me, you´ll understand EXACTLY what kind of mood I was in when I got out of the pool.

AARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

Ok. better now. spleen vented.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

oh my lord. I will NEVER sook about Ivanhoe pool again - they do go in for the aqua aerobics complete with terrible disco mixes and pervy old fellas, but at least it's kept cordoned off at the shallow end, away from the lap lanes. cheers, laura