Wednesday, September 05, 2007

when smoke starts pouring out her ears

I thought that this whole working for myself thing was going to be fun and reasonably stress free. I´m at home, I´m on my schedule, I can do what I want.

It bloody well isn´t.

I haven´t been sleeping well for the last few weeks, but the last week has just gotten ridiculous. I´ve been going to bed at 1.30am exhausted and unable to keep my eyes open, but my brain is still whirring at a hundred million miles an hour.

You haven´t done this, this or this yet, why are you in bed and not doing them, how dare you take a break and leave them unfinished, have you thought about this thing yet,--Oh! and what about those things you haven´t yet thought of, or what if it doesn´t work, what if it all fails, what if everyone thinks you´re a joke, because c´mon how seriously are people really going to take this compared to Science-- Oh! and let´s not forget that you´ve thrown in your entire future for this thing of yours and what will you do next when it all goes to pot as it undoubtedly will because, face it, what in all those years of lab work trained you for something like this--Oh! and then what´ll you do for money, and what if DrH leaves you then hey, because how could he take you seriously anymore if you´re a failure, then what´ll you do being jobless, moneyless, husbandless, useless?

Owwwwwww. Please stop banging through my brain. It´s tender enough in there at the moment.

I know it´s all coming up because of a major deadline I´m about to reach. I know it´s just overreaction and that DrH is certainly not going to leave me because I failed at a few products or turned out to be a pathetically dismal writer. We all know that DrH will only leave me if a younger, sexier, in-better-condition VW bus comes along and I can´t accept it into our relationship. I´ve seen the looks he throws at the shiny, newly restored bus in Kreuzberg. I´ve noticed the hungry stares at the sunvisor, the covetous glances at the safari windows. I know it´s only a matter of time before he comes home and says "DrJ, I´ve found another." And then I will have to seriously consider: Can our relationship stand another party´s involvement? Is our love strong enough for that?

So I´m in no real danger of DrH leaving me for my patheticness alone. Nor is my life over if this business fails. All I´ll have lost is time and a bit of money, but it´s not like I´ve sunk our life savings into it and of course I´ll have gained valuable experience. I mean, I just have to drive a few more businesses into the ground and I´ll have qualified myself to run for the US presidency.

Logically I know the world is not going to end regardless of the outcome of this venture. Logically I know there are a dozen things which I could, and would even like to, do. But how do I tell my brain that in the middle of the night, when it´s screaming "FAILURE!" at me?

1 comment:

Jan said...

Your thoughts are all too familiar to someone who seems unable to finish his PhD for years. What is the answer? I propose a realistic to do list. (First point: Set up the to do list.) Thicking off the points which you have done at the end of each day may help you to find your peace of mind.

Does anybody has a better idea? I also tried crips and chocolate. It really helps, but ...